CIA Facebook Satire - Or Maybe Not

There's An App For That

I just discovered a wonderful app I have on my phone. This app allows you to make and check appointments. It has a really simple interface - you just dial the number of the place you want to check, or make, an appointment at and a very human like voice will respond (very lifelike, I don't know how they do it). The amazing thing about this app is the amount of intelligence it has built in. You can ask it just about any question and it can process it and provide an intelligent answer (eat your heart out Watson). And, amazingly, this app will work on any phone, mobile or land-line. It's just like talking to a real person - now there is an app I'd like to have on my phone.

City Plan to Develop Municipal Mind Monitoring Software Expected to Jump Start Local High Tech Industry

In a move described by some observers as onionesque, the City's Policies and Procedures Committee is recommending the city issue an RFP for the development of what will be known as MMM Software. The Request for Proposals for Municipal Mind Monitoring software comes after a review of the latest moves by the City to fully document the decision-making process at City Hall.

In response to concerns by the City Auditor that some discussions relating to City decisions were not being recorded and archived, the City brought in new measures to capture all discussions amongst City staff, including the tapping of all staff telephones, including cell phones, and the planting of listening devices in City offices and hallways as well as microphones on all Members of Council and senior staff members.

As well as concerns about proper documentation there were concerns about the potential for secret meetings. When asked for comment former Mayor Larry said - "if people want to have secret meetings they will do what they have always done, meet at a strip club". He added "You know we are losing all rights to privacy. Even your tweets are broadcast to the whole world".

In reviewing the new measures the audit discovered yet another missing component in the documentation of the City's decision making process, After consultants interviewed a cross-section of staff it was discovered that much of the analysis part of the decision-masking process took place in the minds of the staff members. While some criticized the high cost of the consultants report, others praised it for identifying an until then unknown factor in the process.

Mayor Jimmy has praised the recommendation stating it provides the first opportunity for the City to invoke his policy of direct involvement in economic development to promote the private high tech sector to fill the void caused by federal cutbacks.

The Municipal Mind Monitoring Strategy will include the development of both hardware (brain monitoring devices) and software (thought analysis software) and is seen as a potential huge boost for the local economy in jump starting a whole new industry.

Promoters see huge potential for this kind of software from monitoring convicted criminals thoughts to those of suspected terrorists. Some say this would be the perfect tool to install on all school students to ensure they stay on the right track. The BBSA (Big Brother Society of America ) has even offered to provide grants to jump start the project.

It is expected that, once proven, this will become a standard business tool, as widely used as instant messaging, such as PIN, is today.

Announcing Kanata's Paradise Lost - World's First World Heritage Subdivision

The following is a fable, but like all fables it contains hidden (and not so hidden) truths.

Yes, for the first, and undoubtedly last time in the world, you can own a house on a World Heritage Site. Only in Ottawa, the world's "Developers Rule Capital" ©Development Ottawa Promotion Establishment (DOPE), could this be possible.

Killing Nature Limited (KNL) , in conjunction with UrbanDesolation Inc. and RichCrap Homes announces the construction of the first stage of houses in it's new Paradise Lost World Heritage Subdivision.

Located on the site of what used to be known as the Beaver Pond Woods this subdivision represents the new wave of natural destruction in urban development. Whether your home is on Blasted to Bits Drive, ClearCut Avenue, Extinction Way or Sacred Land Road you can be assured of the same quality Ticky Tacky that our homes are renowned for.

As an added feature each home comes with a Grand Forest Room that has, in place of a picture window, a forest mural. This feature is ideal for educating your children in the wilderness features that were once where your house stood. You can teach your children the names of all the plants, animals and endangered species that were sacrificed to build your home.

Each home comes with it's own Certificate of Destruction listing all the natural features and wildlife that were destroyed so you could have your own home where splendour and wonder once stood. You will also receive your own piece of the forest, a bag of wood chips from the trees that once stood here, to use in your garden.

For a limited time those visiting our sales offices on Walden Pond Dies Drive will be able to try some of our Forest Stew - there is nothing like stewed porcupine after it has been shaken out of it's tree and frozen to death - it's like Ice Wine, a real delicacy.

Most people do nothing about the wasted and undeveloped wilderness that covers much of our county. By buying a home in Paradise Lost you can help to reduce that waste and advance progress.

Remember by buying a home in Paradise Lost you pave the way for the destruction of even more forest and wildlife in what has come to be known as Our Community's Great Forest and World Heritage Site.

Get Your Conservative Party Logo Here

Source

Everyday Can Be Burn A Religious Text Day

Any day can be Burn A Religious Text Day. Just take the day and look for some historical atrocity or crime committed on that day and determine who committed it and their religion. Then burn their religious text. It's really quite simple.

For example September 11 is the anniversary of the brutal 1973 coup by Augusto Pinochet against the democratically elected government of Chile and the assassination of President Salvador Allende. I couldn't find Pinochet's religion, but he went to a seminary school taught by brothers, and after all it is South America, so we will assume he was Catholic. Anyway, facts are not important on Burn A Religious Text Day. The important thing is to insult all the members of a religious community, supposedly to right a wrong committed by one or a few of the members of that community. So in that case we would burn the Bible. I would suggest burning the New Testament because burning the Old Testament would be the same as burning the Qur'an, since the messages in both of them are so similar. And, apparently, there already is a Burn The Koran Day.

So that's it. Happy Burn A Religious Text Day everybody.

Thousands Line Up For Newest Apple iThing

Thousands have lined the streets prior to the release of Apple's newest product. Apple fans, with their credit card limits newly boosted to the max, are lining up in advance of the January 13, 2013 release of the latest Apple Inc. product whose price and function are a heavily guarded secret. Price apparently is no object when it comes to being first to get the newest iThing. The product, whose function is still undetermined, will simply be known as the iProfit.

Climate Change Is A Hoax

How do I know this. I heard some of these climate scientists being interviewed about their computer models and it turns out they are all based on AlGoreIsms.

Why The Religious Right Should Embrace Homosexuality

The religious right claims to believe that homosexuality is a form of sexual deviation.

The religious right claims to believes that god created sex only for the purpose of procreation and nothing, not abortion, not birth control, should prevent procreation.

So, if god created sex solely for the purpose of procreation, acts that cannot lead to procreation cannot be considered sexual. So while what homosexuals do in the privacy of their own homes may bring mutual pleasure, intimacy and bonding they cannot be considered sexual and thus not sexually deviant.

The religious right also claims that a homosexual society would be doomed because there would be no procreation. They know better. They know that homosexuals know how procreation works. They know that homosexuals want families and want the species to continue.

In a homosexual society gays and lesbians would ensure that by having sex together for the purpose of procreation and only for the purpose of procreation, There would be no birth control and no abortion because whenever people had sex it would only be for procreation.

Sex for procreation and only for procreation. It would be the religious right's nirvana.

The Other Videotape - Lukiwski affair

The Fifth Column has come across the transcript of a videotape taken during moving day in the Saskatchewan Legislature. The text follows:

SakPartyStaffer: It’s time to party. We’re all packed up and moving into the government offices.

SaskPartyMLA: Yep, I can’t wait till those queer loving commies have to move into the opposition offices.

SakPartyOfficial: Yep, I cant wait to get out of here and into the government wing,

SaskPartytMLA: Think we should do a last swing through the cupboards and cabinets in case we forgot anything.

SaskPartyStaffer. No, we’ve got everything important. It’s time to party.

SaskPartyOfficial: But we wouldn’t want to leave anything important behind.

SaskStaffer: But we did doublecheck all the cabinets labeled secret, that’s good enough.

SaskPartyMLA. But we did have some pretty wild parties and I remember some really good videos that those people wouldn’t appreciate.

SaskPartyOfficial: Yea, especially back when we called ourselves Tories.

SaskPartyStaffer: But nobody would be stupid enough to keep those tapes in the office.

SaskPartyMLA: OK lets get out of here. It’s time to party.

SaskPartyOfficial: Don’t forget to bring the video camera.

It's The Bullshit, Stupid - American Election Analysis

If video not working click here.

Source: The Onion

The Fifth Column will be taking a blogging holiday during the March Break, The Fifth Column will return Monday, March 17, 2008.

This Just In - Hillier to Resign

After months of negotiations the government has reached an agreement in the dispute over the Chief of Defence Staff's refusal to take direction from his civilian masters. The agreement will see civilian control return to the military.

On Friday General Rick Hillier will resign as Chief of Defence Staff and leave the Canadian Forces. On Monday Hillier will be appointed as the new Minister of National Defence. General, oops I mean citizen, Hillier will seek election to the House of Commons in a by-election in the newly created constituency of Kandahar.

When asked to explain this unusual arrangement, Prime Minister Stephen Harper said "hey, it worked in Pakistan".